The Christmas Diversion
by Tai Greywing
Summary: My version of the Xmas Invasion. Starring: a comatose, vamperic Do...well he's not quite sure what he is, an insecure PM and Darth Vader. What madness awaits? R&R please!


_A/N _ _I know I'm four months late, AND just in time for the new series to start tomorrow, but hey. If you read the story 'Synopsises' then yes I'm back and yes, that's the style of this._

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**The Christmas Diversion**

So, we begin with an establishing shot – it's the Earth. And just in case you didn't know, it floats in space next to the Moon. Then we zoom in closer to where most of the action is going to take place. Yep, it's London…again.

Meet Jackie – you might (just possibly) recognise her from the last series. She's preparing for a very enjoyable Christmas… on her own. Well, she hopes not – she's set out some Rose-bait, namely a wrapped present. And please take note of the _white_ Christmas tree behind her. But at this point she is interrupted by the noise of her trap being sprung: it's the sound of a rusty, breaking, old, disused police siren being put through the mangle. Or is it a very rare species of bird being strangled? There's really nothing else that sounds quite like it, so off she runs.

Outside and bang into Mickey, who's also recognised the distinct sound of **_T_**rouble.

And onto the scene bursts the

'Touchdown Alerts Relatives: Disaster Immanent…Surprised?', the TARDIS, doing its impression of just why most spaceships aren't shaped like telephone boxes. But it settles, and out jumps Mr. David 'I've-stolen-Chris-Eccleston's-leather-jacket-and-I-wonder-how-many-people-will-notice' Tennent.

But as he's also a vampire, he takes one look at the sky and screams

"Argh, the light! It burns!" and collapses in terror of being burnt to a crisp. At this point Rose leaps out of the large blue box yelling

"Super-Rose to the rescue!….oh, hi Mum,". She then spots the comatose figure and sighs: "Idiot. It's overcast." Jackie's now getting annoyed and demands to know whom exactly has just collapsed on top of her.

Rose has to think about this one: "Well, he's the Doctor…I hope. But he might not be. He's also having delusions of being a vampire, so hates sunlight".

So Jackie graciously loans him the spare crypt while he recovers from the near-exposure to sunlight. Providing he takes off Chris Eccleston's jacket and submits to a …'thorough'…check-up. Yep, two hearts working. Not even a check to see if he's still breathing. He doesn't have much of a chance to object though, seeing as he's till unconscious.

Rose has an angsty moment, sobbing that "He's not _my_ Doctor, _my_ Doctor was never a vampire!"

She's cut short by the TV and "Harriet Jones, MP for…err, PM! Yes, that's right, the government is going to be responsible for the near catastrophe that this episode's all about. But nobody's mentioned anything about that yet, so forget I said it. Ummm…where was I? Oh yeah, space exploration good, probe good, tune in again for part two!"

Out in space and everything is not hunky-dory for the poor probe as it gets captured by a random asteroid. What a day, huh?

Meanwhile Rose is undergoing therapy – that's right, she's going shopping. And she's not allowed to, under any circumstances, mention the Doctor, the TARDIS (Trouble Arrives. Reason? Doctor In Sector'), aliens, or other worlds…oops, too late. But maybe they're lucky Rose has spent so much time antagonising other species, she's now got a built-in danger radar and so saves herself and Useless-boyfriend-Mickey from being crispy-fried.

Back at the crypt, Jackie very nearly cuts the episode short by giving the vampire a cup of tea. Actually, she places it _next_ to him. But unless you've seen previous serieses, you won't know what tea does to vampires, err Timelords…so forget I said that, ok? But it's only next to him, so the day doesn't get saved ahead of schedule.

Rose arrives back, with Mickey in tow, and throws a tantrum because her Mum's gotten a new Christmas tree: "What happened to the old one! I liked the old tree Mummy!" The new tree gets insulted and switched itself on. It throws a tantrum right back at Rose by…imitating a buzz saw and tearing up the living room. The three humans give a collective gulp and head for the exit. But Not before Rose gets a sudden guilt attack and thinks of the unconscious vampire. So…they barricade themselves in a dead end _((A/N: Hah, yeah, no pun intended))_ while Rose argues with him and tries to wake him up:

"Doctor, wake up now!"

"I'm asleep, go 'way!"

"Doctor...we could really use your help about now, please!"

"Too tired, come back later"

"Doctor, we're all going to be minced by a rabid Christmas tree if you don't shift yourself to save us NOW!"

"Alright, alright, I'm up" he grumbles, waving the sonic screwdriver. The tree explodes. "Happy now?" Rose nods.

The vampire staggers out of bed and goes outside to the balcony (lucky thing for him that it's dark) to brandish the sonic screwdriver as if it's a deadly weapon. The Santas, who were after all only playing with their early present (from Deadly Spinning Christmas Trees 'R' Us) get the hint and teleport off.

And not a moment too soon, as Mr. Possibly-the-Last-Timelord proceeds to have a nervous…I mean neuron breakdown. And I reckon that if he can manage to say "Pilot fish. The pilot fish mean that something…something…_something is coming,_" then he should've wasted his energy in saying "Cup of tea…_NOW!_" And saved a lot of fuss. But no, he spends his last conscious moments giving a very cryptic warning. Then goes on to have an adverse reaction to the garlic on someone's breath and conks out. So, it's back to the crypt for him, this time looking a lot more likely to crumble into dust at any moment.

Mickey's busy trying to decipher his warning. The best he can do is to say that sharks are coming. Rose wants to know what type of shark. The TV answers her with a loud roar. Ah. _That_ type of shark.

Then we cut to a confidential government-type place and find a very bewildered-looking scientist. And in comes someone who looks very familiar indeed. Just in case we, or the people she's talking to _don't_ remember her, she feels she must introduce herself: "Harriet Jones, Prime Minister. That means I run this country," she adds worriedly.

"Yes, I do know who you are," Random-scientist-dude says.

"Oh, okay then," she deflates "Yeah, aliens, minor problem here, don't worry I won't take care of it." Here, someone official-looking enters and Harriet feels she has to point out that she does have the authority to be there. "Harriet Jones, I'm the Prime Minister," holding up her card. The major looks somewhat dumbfounded

"Yes, I _do_ know you, anyway come over here," Drags her to meet someone else, where she introduces herself yet _again_. I personally believe that this PM feels very insecure in her position. But anyway, they listen to the obscure threat in the alien's language. Except that they don't understand it yet, so don't know it's a threat. So forget I said anything. Where's an expert alien linguist when you need one?

Oh. In bed. Despite the fact that everyone's telling him he's overslept. It's quite surprising he doesn't wake up from the sheer shock of Jackie calling him 'sweetheart'. And Rose breaks down over him again:

"Why don't you wake up and save the day?" she wails at him.

"Snore, too bright outside…might spontaneously combust…"

"…Doctor, are you really asleep?"

"No… umm…lying with my eyes shut for hours is my latest hobby. Of _course_ I'm asleep! Err…I mean, err…zzzzzz?" Luckily for him, Rose is too busy crying her eyes out to notice him, so assumes he really is unconscious.

But Last Timelord's not needed as translator because they've got a computer to interpret the lingo for them. Just to show everyone that they _do_ mean business, the aliens activate their Random-funny-blue-light-around-people's-heads making device. And the whole world's on the edge…of some really tall buildings. The Prime Minister starts mumbling something about 'Torchwood', which is their version of a really big laser. And for some reason that escapes me, they called it an anagram of 'Doctor Who'. Coincidence? …Perhaps. Or perhaps not.

Since it's Christmas Day, it's now time for the Queen's speech. But as she's a little busy standing on top of the roof right now, and the speech has to be made, Harriet Jones decides she's always wanted a go at it. Unfortunately she comes across sounding something like Princess Leia: 'Help us Doctor, you're our only hope'. But as I said before, he's hibernating, so doesn't know. Rose knows though, and promptly breaks down into tears again. Is it just me, or is she very wet for this entire episode?

And the alien ship finally makes an appearance in the sky and if I may paraphrase a line from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: it hung in the sky in exactly the way bricks don't. Looks like a random floating island to me.

And Rose has finally realised that with **_T_**rouble unconscious, she's pretty much or even entirely useless. So 'she who runs and hides away, lives to hide again another day' …or something along those lines. After making sure that it's cloudy outside they lug the unconscious alien vampire out to his TARDIS:

'Tea Always Revives Doctors In Shock' _((A/N Useful piece of advice that they wish they'd known sooner))_.

The Prime Minister takes responsibility for the entire human race as she gets teleported off for negotiation. The big, bad alien's wearing a helmet, so underneath he could be just like them. What? Disrespectful, power-hungry and possessing no mercy whatsoever? …oh, you meant he could _look_ just like a human. Nah, you're mistaken there, the BBC's makeup department has got their claws firmly into this one.

The Sycorax leader disposes of Random-expendable-aide-to-the-PM-who's-only-purpose-was-to-yell-at-the-bad-guy-then-get-killed. Then, for protesting, Random-army-major-dude also gets reduced to a soggy pile of bones. Harriet feels that they wouldn't have done that if they'd known who she is. So, she introduces herself (for the 7621st time. But the alien's already heard of her. She relaxes: she's got to be good if random aliens from another galaxy know who she is.

Back to the Doctor, who's been violently uprooted from his coffin and dumped on the floor of his spaceship. And why? Rose, Jackie and Mickey want a picnic. Rose gets annoyed at her mum and yells that tea is not the solution to everything. Well, maybe not everything, but it certainly would help here. Mickey wants to watch football, but as the Doctor hasn't paid for his TV licence, the TV sets off a general alarm. Which the Sycorax pick up, and realise that they're not talking to the greatest mind or person currently on Earth.

So they somehow summon the blue telephone box of doom. Rose gets delusions of being a hero, drops the life-saving tea, and runs out the door. Mickey-the-Idiot decides he has to keep her from accidentally blowing up the planet (something she does with depressing regularity) and he runs out after her. While they've gone the tea manages to drip very ominously and the

Trouble Arriving Readily Depresses Insidious Species _((A/N TARDIS to you and me))_ starts sparking dangerously. Viewers start thinking: _**Not** good…_

Rose's hero complex leads her into making a buzzword speech with as many alien terms as she can remember. The Sycorax aren't impressed and laugh at her:

"You are very, very funny. We will hire you as our comedian," Rose complains that this was not exactly the effect she was going for. The bad guys get irritated that she doesn't appreciate their generous offer and their boss starts ranting about the patheticness of humans. Much like the Doctor does in fact. And in mid-rant everyone starts understanding him without Random-expendable-aide-with-handheld-translating-computer-also-known-as-Alex, despite the alien's frantic protesting that he's not speaking English. Yeah right, whatever Mister.

Everyone turns round as the dramatic music starts playing and gapes at the telephone box. And bang on cue, our tea-revived vampire steps out. But he's having a minor identity crises. They all immediately defer to him as he completely ignores the bad guys and starts questioning who he really is.

"Am I…

Cheerful? Whiny? A pain to be around? Lazy? A genius? Funny? Crazy? Am I…insane? Am I……

…

an escaped mental patient? Am I, in fact, a demon-of-the-night-esque, murderous, bloodsucking, homicidal, but otherwise quite friendly vampire?"…He really has no clue. He's quite messed up at the moment.

But here his attention is distracted. He stops pacing and sniffs the air. His gaze comes to rest squarely on the control matrix sitting over by itself. Still sniffing at something he leaps up to it and opens the side. His eyes light up when he sees ….

"Blood!" Before anyone can say anything he dips his fingers in the liquid and gleefully licks them clean. He then notices everyone's stares and hastily wipes his fingers on his dressing gown. "Err…it's A positive…" he states sheepishly. Everyone's still gaping at him, more then slightly creeped out. "WHAAAT?" he asks, doing his best impression of the puppy dog eyes. He waves his arms aimlessly and accidentally hits the 'big, threatening button'. Lucky thing the Sycorax were just bluffing.

David Tennent proves that his favourite Disney film is the Lion King by exactly quoting the beginning of 'Circle of Life'. He quickly realises his mistake as there are, in fact, no lions around here. Never mind. He wants to play at sword fighting. And just before he does, our Timelord insults the Sycorax-leader-dude in another language and his

'Translation Always Requires Direct Input (from) Sentients' for once doesn't give it in English. Does the telephone box have a censor on it? Do we really want to know what a 'callack pell gassa kreesschcs'alVak' is? _((A/N That's my best impression of a phonetic transcription anyway…)) _Maybe not.

When you're in a swordfight for your life with only one opponent, an observer yelling "Look out!" as they strike is possibly the least helpful thing they could do. Ah well, Rose gets the hint and shuts up.

Due to the little bit of blood he scrounged earlier, our vampire feels up to going outside. And since he's losing badly, running is probably his best option. Anyway, once outside the light weakens him enough so that the bad guy gets the upper hand, knocks **_T_**rouble to the ground and lops off his right hand. Complete with sword.

The Sycorax suddenly sprouts a black cloak, black mask and starts making scuba-diver-type breath sounds. He holds out his hand and hisses:

"Join me on the Dark Side and together we can rule the galaxy!" The Doctor just shakes his head, clutching at the stump of his right arm. The Sycorax/Vader extends his hand further "Join me," he commands "For I. Am. Your. Father!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" our alien yells as he scrambles back to his feet. Darth Vader wanders off to find the set he's _supposed_ to be on.

"Luckily for me," our vampire explains "I can grow my hand back because of the amazingly lucky timing," Or hasty scriptwriting. Or something.

Random-Sycorax-leader-dude gasps at the BBC's super-cool hand-regrowing-CGI

"A witch! Witchcraft! A witch! Burn her!…Err…him? He's a witch!"

Rose demonstrates one of her little-used talents by producing a sword out of nowhere and our vampire leaps up for round two. Once he's won he has another Lion King moment as he growls

"Leave this place and _never_ return!" Now all we need are a few hyenas in the background and he could make a very passable Scar. Unfortunately Random-leader-dude is a sore loser, doesn't take the hint and ends up falling to his doom. Blah, blah, blah.

Back on Earth someone yells "GROUP HUG!" as once again they have managed to abort imminent disaster for the planet. Jackie comes running over and the Doctor, having gotten tired of being labelled '**_T_**rouble' tries to shift the nickname onto her. We all know that he's still **_T_**rouble-on-legs really though.

While he's distracted, the PM proves just how ruthless humans can be and activates Project 'Torchwood'. They may have gotten the technology from a spaceship that crashed to Earth, but they got the idea straight off Star Wars. That laser coming from numerous different points to gather into one ultra-laser? It's the Death Star, all over again. Darth Vader wanders back on, thoroughly confused as to whether or not this really is the set he's supposed to be on.

As usual the Doctor takes the part of the aliens and protests that Harriet was being barbaric. And humans are possibly _the_ blood thirstiest race in the entire galaxy, according to him. He obviously wasn't counting himself or the 'ex-ter-min-ate ing' trashcans. And after all he's done to help and save the Earth in his nine centuries plus of existence, Harriet's regarding the Doctor as actually quite dangerous really.

Our Timelord gets annoyed with her thinking that humans are always right and informs her that he can kill her leadership and all support for her with six words. Cue a very childish argument of: "Can,"

"Can't,"

"Can,"

"Can't,"

"Can,"

"Bet you can't,"

…

"Watch me,"

The vampire sidles over to Random-translating-aide-who-didn't-get-killed and whispers six words. The promised six words:

"The PM's an alien in disguise,"

Random-aide looks shocked as Harriet starts jumping up and down while practically screaming "TELL MEE!"

Cut to inside the 'Travel Accessories Require Disposing In Saltwater' and **_T_**rouble has finally decided to stop wearing the pyjamas. Only problem is: he can't choose what he wants to wear. Not the leather jacket, that belongs firmly to Eccleston and so the best thing he can find is that suit. _((A/n Not particularly fond of it right now, but it might grow on me.))_

To those of us who have gotten used to the Doctor not _doing_ domestic and firmly rebuffing every attempt from Jackie, it comes as a bit of a shock to see him happily ensconced in a Christmas tea with the Tylers (and Mickey).

On TV, Harriet Jones is just finding out the consequences of the Doc's words. Everyone's staring at her suspiciously and backing slowly away. As the camera flicks back to the Tylers' I _((the authoress))_ suffer a sudden heart attack: ARRGH! What the hell is he doing wearing _glasses_! …**_Breathe_**…it's okay, it's good, I just didn't expect that.

Outside, and it's all pretty and snowing. With a beautiful meteor shower……Not really all that pretty: it's the last mortal remains of all those aliens that the PM shot down from the sky.

Despite the fact her Doctor looks (and acts) quite a lot different from before, he's still a joy-seeking, pyromaniac, time-hopping alien. And Rose still hasn't gotten over her alien fetish. So she's staying with him. For a while at least.

…

…Fantastic.

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_Claimer: Despite the things I do not own, I'd like to point out that I do own something (I think). The name for the Doctor that is **T**rouble-on-legs, or just **T**rouble (with a capital, bold AND italicised 'T'). I believe it belongs to me. However, I'm not averse to anyone else using it, in fact please do. Spread the word! I just want to say: You heard it here first._

_Also: a massive thank you to anyone who reviewed the story 'Synopsises' (Which is sadly now dead). Please review this one too? If it's good enough, I'll hopefully be back with the David Tennet series in synopsis._

_If you want it? Tell me? Please?_

_Tai_


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